Compartmentalizing

I have never been good at compartmentalizing. The idea that you can simply divide your feelings and emotions into little boxes that you only open when necessary is totally mind boggling to me. I am both in awe and confounded by friends and family members that seem to have this ability. How easy they make it seem, as if they can simply slip in and out of their skin so that no one really knows what is going on underneath.

Sometimes I wish I was more like them. Other times I wish they were more like me.

My life is about all interconnectedness and as a result the many parts of my life seem to bleed through and inevitably affect each other. I wear my heart on my sleeve and can't seem to do anything about it. It makes people uncomfortable, and for that, I'm sorry. It is as if by not being able to split myself and my feelings into portions, I am somehow less than the sum of my parts. I have failed them. It's like they are trying to tell me that life is about order, and my life isn't.  As if some unknown, unwritten part of the "adult handbook" says, 'you must have your sh*t together'. Sadly, I don't.

I like the messiness of life. I embrace the fact that things don't have simple answers and that not everything works out the way you planned. I would go as far as arguing that most things do not go as planned, but that is part of what makes them wonderful. I don't fully understand how or why people chose to ignore certain aspects of their lives, as if pretending that it didn't happen or it isn't there is going to change something.

I am, however, happy with where I am in my life. I may not have mastered the technique of compartmentalizing, but I am ok with that. In fact, I don't want to divide my life. I don't think it would have led me here if I didn't allow every part of me to influence every other part. So I suppose I will continue to live my messy, simple life. I will keep being honest with myself and others, celebrating the idea that everything I am is composed of many parts that all rely and are part of each other.  I hope my friends will learn to accept this about me, and will have to learn to let go of the ones who can't. In the meantime, I will continue to watch the people around me who do divide their lives. I will keep trying to understand how they do it, without ever really wanting to do it myself.