Last week I visited my students in Shenzhen who were all aflutter with the excitement of college decisions and choosing where to spend the next four years of their lives. It was such a pleasure to see their stressed faces instantly transformed into looks of sheer anticipation of the adventure that lies ahead. It was as if the students sitting in front of me were very different people to the students I had spent the last six months working with. They are all happy about the options in front of them and are going to wonderful places like UC Berkeley, Columbia, Michigan, and Emory, however there was one conversation that I had, that was not as uplifting as the others.
This particular conversation dealt with a student of mine who has been admitted to a wonderful school in the US and to a program that she is very excited about attending. This is a program and a school that addresses all of her interests and future goals and does so in an environment conducive to creativity, which is something that is very important to this particular student. When I met her, however, she was not the happy, relaxed student that I expected. Instead, she seemed even more stressed out and a little unhappy. When I asked her why, she explained that her mother (and to some extent her father) wanted her to attend school closer to home (Hong Kong to be exact). Ok, I thought, how about we schedule a meeting for the whole family and we can talk about the options? "Sure" she replied in a defeated voice.
Cut to the next day. I am sitting in an office with mom, dad, (little brother) and student. I start by asking mom why she wants her daughter to stay home. Mom looks at me and explains that she wants her daughter to stay close to home, she says that she believes the program in HK will provide her with the same (if not better) opportunities as the school in the US, and that her and her ex-husband's connections in China will ensure that her daughter get internships. (It should be added that her daughter spends this entire time rolling her eyes and shaking her head.) I proceed to ask the student why she wants to go. "To get away from them" she says "and because I think I can learn more in the US."
Ok, so in my role as "counselor" I start to extol the virtues of both places, but place most of my emphasis on the school in the US, partially because it's the school (and school system) I know better but mostly because I honestly feel that this is a student that would thrive on a US college campus. I explain to her parents how she would have a "plethora" of internship options and that the program she has been admitted to is one of the best programs in the country (if not the world). I go on to say, I understand that it's hard to imagine having your child living in a different country and culture. Perhaps, this was the wrong thing to say.
Culture, seems to be the word that mom really hears. She jumps in and says "yes, but she's a girl" and goes on to tell me how in their culture (the Chinese culture) it is preferable for girls to stay close to home, for them not to have to "work so hard" and make sure they fulfill their familial obligations. She explains how they have it all figured out and they know what they want their daughter to do, to be, to achieve. What made this all the more interesting, was that her little brother was there, playing on an iphone, completely oblivious to what was going. My student however, kept looking over at him, almost longingly. It was as if she wished they could switch places. She's worked so hard, and now her dream was within reach, or was it?
In the end, I looked directly at my student while telling her mother that I understood this was a "family decision" but that my professional opinion was that the student would greatly benefit from going abroad and would be a better person (and professional) for it. The student looked at me, with tears in her eyes and thanked me. Her mother also thanked me for "continuously encouraging her daughter's dreams" (but to be honest, it felt hollow) and they left.
I don't know what they have decided, but I will admit that it is the hardest conversation I've had in China to date. It was a stark reminder that I am in a culture that is vastly different and yet eerily simliar to mine. I, however, am one of the incredibly fortunate girls that has parents that never let my being a girl be a detriment to me. They encouraged me to fight the good fight and to be the best person I could be (gender didn't matter). It is something I have lived my life believing but looking at my student across the table I was reminded that so many other girls are not given the same chance.
