Less than helpful

What do you do when someone you love is having a hard time, but they live really far away? I want to help them, but I don't know how. I listen, I give advice, but in the end I feel less than helpful. Partly because they are in situations that I can't really do anything about and partly because I am so far away. I can't give them a hug.  I can't hand them a tissue if they are crying. I can't just be there, be present, be more than a voice on a phone, or an email, or a text. Even in our hyper connected world, being half a world away is still really far away.

It's moments like this when I realize that maybe I am not capable of being as "independent" as I let on. I'm needy and I get lonely, I'm nowhere as confident as people seem to think I am, and I doubt many things about life, mainly my life. As I write this, I realize how incredibly selfish I sound. This isn't supposed to be about me at all, but about the people in my life who are going through things that I wish they didn't have to go through. I'm frustrated by my inability to help them, but the truth is I don't know that would be that helpful even if I was there. There are moments when life throws you a curve ball and all you can do is duck, but maybe having someone else to duck beside you would at least make you feel better? Or maybe it's just me, it would make me feel better and so I assume that others feel the same way.

So I guess I just want to put it out there. I want the people that I love to know, I'm with you even when I'm not physically there. You are in my thoughts, my prayers, and my dreams. I carry you with me because you are a part of me. I wish so badly that I could make it better for you. I wish that knew what to say to make it all go away. I wish that you weren't hurting, confused, and upset. I am here for you, even if it just over the phone. Anytime, day or night. You matter to me, even if I don't tell you how much as often as I should. I share your triumphs and failures. I will help carry your load if I can (and you let me), and if I can't I will do what I can to remind you of how strong you are. I know that sometimes life doesn't quite turn out the way we want and it certainly doesn't turn out the way we plan, but if you need me I am there for you, even when I'm not.

Journey Back to the Middle East

 It has been just over 2.5 years since I left the Middle East. To those of you who read the old blog, you know that the 18 months I spent there were not my best. Part of that was adapting to a culture so vastly different to my own, part of it was a job and an office that I never really felt a part of or supported by, and part of it was my own naïveté and immaturity. Living in Saudi taught me a lot about working with different people, dealing with difficult situations, and growing up. I think I left Saudi a different person. I was less trusting, less hopeful, and much more cynical. I had become hard.

 I also left with a very sour taste in my mouth about all things Middle East. While I was quick to point out that I had made some really fantastic friends without whom I don't know that I would have been able to even make it those 18 months, I was also quick to point out that none of them were Saudi. I wanted nothing to do with the culture or the people when I left. I was so tired, frustrated, and unhappy that I swore I would never return. And yet, here I am. Granted, I am in Qatar and not Saudi, but it's still the Middle East. And yes, I'm only here for four days and not months, but again, I though I would never again head back to the desert. 

Upon hearing that I had been assigned to join the school's MUN team to Doha, let's say I had my reservations. I was still so focused on all the things that I didn't like about that region that I was worried I was not going to enjoy trip. To my pleasant surprise, however, my return to this part of the world has reminded me of all the wonderful things that this region has. First, let's start with the food. I had almost forgotten how much I love Middle Eastern mezze: tabouleh, laban, zattar, pita bread, humus, roasted tomatoes for breakfast, and all the delicious phylo desserts with honey, nuts, and/or fruit.  Second, the sun light. It is February so it's not terribly hot, but after weeks of rain in Taiwan I had forgotten how easily you can take sunlight for granted and the Middle East has lots of sun. Third, the architecture. This is a region that is growing so fast and yet they seem to hold tight to certain aesthetics when building, so everything seems to retain it's "arabic" heritage while also being new, slick, and modern. There are some really gorgeous buildings in the part of the world, and the creativity in some of the newer construction is simply amazing. Finally, the people's pride of being Middle Eastern. They are intensely loyal to their countries and in most cases really want others to understand and see why they think their homes are so special. It makes them superb hosts. 

So even though there are still parts of this culture that I don't understand (and parts that I don't agree with) I am reminded that understanding lies in mutual respect and a willingness to listen and learn. I had forgotten that for a bit but I think that time and distance has allowed me to come back to this region with a fresh and more open perspective. I still don't think I want to live in this region again, but I can appreciate the wonderful things that it has while also acknowledging the things that give me pause. Living abroad has taught me that nowhere is perfect, but if you want to live a happy, fulfilled life in a culture other than your own you have to be willing to accept that differences are what make us interesting and find balance between your point of view and that of your host country. 

I have now made my peace with the fact there is no black and white in life, and only seeing or remembering the extremes can be quite damaging to everyone. I am now comfortable with living in the grey that makes life so interesting and acknowledging that all experiences have good and bad.