Less than helpful

What do you do when someone you love is having a hard time, but they live really far away? I want to help them, but I don't know how. I listen, I give advice, but in the end I feel less than helpful. Partly because they are in situations that I can't really do anything about and partly because I am so far away. I can't give them a hug.  I can't hand them a tissue if they are crying. I can't just be there, be present, be more than a voice on a phone, or an email, or a text. Even in our hyper connected world, being half a world away is still really far away.

It's moments like this when I realize that maybe I am not capable of being as "independent" as I let on. I'm needy and I get lonely, I'm nowhere as confident as people seem to think I am, and I doubt many things about life, mainly my life. As I write this, I realize how incredibly selfish I sound. This isn't supposed to be about me at all, but about the people in my life who are going through things that I wish they didn't have to go through. I'm frustrated by my inability to help them, but the truth is I don't know that would be that helpful even if I was there. There are moments when life throws you a curve ball and all you can do is duck, but maybe having someone else to duck beside you would at least make you feel better? Or maybe it's just me, it would make me feel better and so I assume that others feel the same way.

So I guess I just want to put it out there. I want the people that I love to know, I'm with you even when I'm not physically there. You are in my thoughts, my prayers, and my dreams. I carry you with me because you are a part of me. I wish so badly that I could make it better for you. I wish that knew what to say to make it all go away. I wish that you weren't hurting, confused, and upset. I am here for you, even if it just over the phone. Anytime, day or night. You matter to me, even if I don't tell you how much as often as I should. I share your triumphs and failures. I will help carry your load if I can (and you let me), and if I can't I will do what I can to remind you of how strong you are. I know that sometimes life doesn't quite turn out the way we want and it certainly doesn't turn out the way we plan, but if you need me I am there for you, even when I'm not.

Journey Back to the Middle East

 It has been just over 2.5 years since I left the Middle East. To those of you who read the old blog, you know that the 18 months I spent there were not my best. Part of that was adapting to a culture so vastly different to my own, part of it was a job and an office that I never really felt a part of or supported by, and part of it was my own naïveté and immaturity. Living in Saudi taught me a lot about working with different people, dealing with difficult situations, and growing up. I think I left Saudi a different person. I was less trusting, less hopeful, and much more cynical. I had become hard.

 I also left with a very sour taste in my mouth about all things Middle East. While I was quick to point out that I had made some really fantastic friends without whom I don't know that I would have been able to even make it those 18 months, I was also quick to point out that none of them were Saudi. I wanted nothing to do with the culture or the people when I left. I was so tired, frustrated, and unhappy that I swore I would never return. And yet, here I am. Granted, I am in Qatar and not Saudi, but it's still the Middle East. And yes, I'm only here for four days and not months, but again, I though I would never again head back to the desert. 

Upon hearing that I had been assigned to join the school's MUN team to Doha, let's say I had my reservations. I was still so focused on all the things that I didn't like about that region that I was worried I was not going to enjoy trip. To my pleasant surprise, however, my return to this part of the world has reminded me of all the wonderful things that this region has. First, let's start with the food. I had almost forgotten how much I love Middle Eastern mezze: tabouleh, laban, zattar, pita bread, humus, roasted tomatoes for breakfast, and all the delicious phylo desserts with honey, nuts, and/or fruit.  Second, the sun light. It is February so it's not terribly hot, but after weeks of rain in Taiwan I had forgotten how easily you can take sunlight for granted and the Middle East has lots of sun. Third, the architecture. This is a region that is growing so fast and yet they seem to hold tight to certain aesthetics when building, so everything seems to retain it's "arabic" heritage while also being new, slick, and modern. There are some really gorgeous buildings in the part of the world, and the creativity in some of the newer construction is simply amazing. Finally, the people's pride of being Middle Eastern. They are intensely loyal to their countries and in most cases really want others to understand and see why they think their homes are so special. It makes them superb hosts. 

So even though there are still parts of this culture that I don't understand (and parts that I don't agree with) I am reminded that understanding lies in mutual respect and a willingness to listen and learn. I had forgotten that for a bit but I think that time and distance has allowed me to come back to this region with a fresh and more open perspective. I still don't think I want to live in this region again, but I can appreciate the wonderful things that it has while also acknowledging the things that give me pause. Living abroad has taught me that nowhere is perfect, but if you want to live a happy, fulfilled life in a culture other than your own you have to be willing to accept that differences are what make us interesting and find balance between your point of view and that of your host country. 

I have now made my peace with the fact there is no black and white in life, and only seeing or remembering the extremes can be quite damaging to everyone. I am now comfortable with living in the grey that makes life so interesting and acknowledging that all experiences have good and bad.

The Problem with Perfection

Today I was having a conversation about the pursuit of perfection and the problems that inevitably arise as a result. We seem so focused on searching for the perfect job, the perfect date, the perfect place, the perfect moment... basically we all seem to want "the perfect life." But does anyone of us really know what "perfect" is? It seems to me that people are so focused on the ideal of a perfect something they all end up feeling inadequate because they cannot achieve those ridiculously ambitious goals. No, I'm not saying that people should stop trying their best, nor am I saying that people can't continue to grow and improve and be better, but perfect... that's where I think we need to draw the line.

This desperate attempt to capture perfection concerns me greatly when I talk to my students. They seem to have been brainwashed into believing that perfect can happen and so they all walk around feeling inadequate because they have already failed and, naturally, they are also the only person they know who is incapable of achieving that mystical perfection. They are so caught up in appearances that they have stopped talking to each other, they have stopped focusing on what they have done well and choose instead to only focus on what they need to do better. Again, I emphasize that I do believe that people (and I include teenagers in this group) should be constantly pushing their boundaries, they should be surrounding themselves with people who challenge them, and they shouldn't settle for the status quo because that is how we evolve, that is how new discoveries and improvements are made. What I am saying that people also need to remember to acknowledge and be proud of all of the things they do well, things have already done well, and I fear that not enough of us do.

Instead of waiting for an ideal that cannot happen we should be thankful for the moments that have helped us to change, learn, and improve. We need to be thankful for moments and the people within them, brief as some of them may be. The influence a person or experience can have is not directly correlated to the amount of time they were in your life. Sometimes all it takes is a year, a month, a week, a day, an hour to make a difference, to help someone see something else, something new, something that will alter them even when/if they may not see it at that particular moment in time. Sometimes we need to be reminded of certain things, we need to have our faith restored in others, or even in ourselves and in many ways, it's the fleeting moments that allow us to do just that.

I think, perhaps, we need to redefine (or maybe even define for the first time) exactly what "perfection" is. It should not be the absence of mistakes, but rather what we choose to do after those mistakes have been made. We should focus more on the journey, the people met along the way, and the accomplishments we've shared. We need to help our young people be proud of what they have so that they will take pride in what they can accomplish next. We need to empower them to take risks and be able to accept that that some of them will not work out the way that they expect, and that is ok. They need to know that when things don't work out quite as they have planned, it does not mean they have failed, instead it means that they now have an opportunity to try something new, meet someone new, go somewhere new, and always continue to grow, learn, and change.

I hope we can help each other see that no one is perfect, but happiness does not depend on perfection. We all have weaknesses, but we also all have strengths. We need to work together, to help each other out so that we can all start focusing on the things that matter and leave "perfection" out of it. 

Take 2

It has been a long time since I've actually taken the time to write on this blog. I think perhaps it was a matter of complacency. I started the blog as a way to reach out to people who were very far away. It was my attempt at sharing stories and moments in real(ish) time so that they could (in some small way) accompany me on this journey. And then I moved to Taiwan and it seemed as though the stories worth talking about were no longer a part of my life, so I stopped writing, I stopped sharing.

Please don't misunderstand, I honestly believe that my decision to move to Taiwan was one of the better decisions I've made in my adult life. I have grown as a person in ways I never could have expected. It is as if finally being comfortable with my job and knowing that I was doing a good job allowed me to focus on the many other aspects of my life that had been left waning. I was finally able to see the good in my life as opposed to focusing on the bad, and I think we can all attest that many times this blog served as a testament to that... focusing on the bad.

However, now is a time to turn things around, I want to start focusing on life, neither good or bad, just happening. Consider this my Chinese New Year resolution, to try to share at least once a month on this blog and in doing so I will try to focus on just reporting things as they happen or as I see them, or both. There will be positive uplifting moments and sadly, I'm sure, there will be moments that are not quite that uplifting. But that's life, messy, complicated, unpredictable, and beautiful. So now is a time to start including people in my life, instead of holding them at an arms distance.

In fact, I recently had a conversation with someone about the value of life. We discussed whether there is inherent value in preserving life for the sake of life or not, and to be honest after our conversation I'm not entirely sure what I think. I believe that people deserve to live and to be happy but not at the expense of others, and that is where things become muddled, and where I get confused. What I do know is that there is value in sharing your life and experiences with people who matter to you, people that will help you grow, evolve, and learn. In my case that means writing, because the truth is that this is the best (and sometimes only) way for me to include many of the people I hold dearest. So this is my (second) attempt to reach out. Let's see how it goes.