Churros, Snow, and a Shot of Water

Sounds like the beginning of a joke no? No... Well sort-of.

I have begun to make friends in China. Many of which are my co-workers, which are some pretty amazing, courageous and forward-thinking individuals. However, for the first time in my professional life, I find that I am now among the eldest people in the office (thank you student affairs). Which is both exciting and terrifying. Suddenly, I have become the "expert." Me?!

I have spent a lot of time thinking about how much I've grown up in the last 10 years. I can't believe all that has happened in that time and the lengths I have gone to get to where I am now. Today, I am surrounded by people in their early twenties who still cling to their college lives and that need of order and "justice." They seem completely oblivious to reality of what life is like. Life is messy. Life doesn't keep a schedule. Life doesn't make or keep plans. Life doesn't care if you are in a good mood or a bad mood or no mood at all. And the truth is that life resembles jobs. I think of the jobs I've had over the years (crazy to think that by 30 I've already had 4 full time jobs!) and I realize that many of my "complaints" had more to do with me than they did with the job. Now I find myself on the other side. Listening to recent grads complain about how their job description doesn't adequately reflect what they are doing, or how things don't seem to follow their "plan." In some ways, I think they have it tougher than I did. Not only do they have to deal with the heartbreak that comes with joining the real world, but they have to do it in China. In other ways, I think they are only delaying the inevitable. They can still blame China for the inconsistencies of life and may fail to realize how many of their issues have more to do with being out of school as opposed to being out of the country.

So enter my "expertise." A couple of weeks ago I went to dinner with a couple of co-workers (it was somebody's birthday, she was turning 25). This time, I was not the eldest at the table, there was another person who is also in her early 30's. What was fascinating about the evening (besides my friend never having seen snow... there was a bit of a flurry that evening, then ordering churros for the first time, and finally "insulting" the waitress by turning down a shot of tequila and asking for a shot of water instead) was that there were two young 20-somethings and two not as young 30-somethings giving them advice. We talked about everything from wearing sunscreen and night lotion, to going to grad school and how to deal with a job you don't particularly like. It was amazing to see and hear the difference that 5-10 years can make. Many of the questions and concerns my friends' had were the same questions I had been unable to answer for myself not so long ago.

It was one of those moments when you start to realize how much you have actually accomplished already and that it's not quite THAT unfathomable that someone would want to come to you for advice and are actually interested in what you might say. 30 may be the new 25, but I have to say that those 5 years make a big difference in someone's life.

Sticks and Stones

There comes a moment when you wonder which is more important, words or actions. We’ve all heard the idiom “actions speak louder than words” and yet are always reminded how “the pen is mightier than the sword.” So my question is, which is it? Are the words we say more important? Or is it our ability (or inability) to act on them that really matters? At what point are words just excuses, or actions just our inability to accurately express ourselves?

China has taught me a great deal of the difference between speaking and acting. This is a country that values “saving face” above all. In many cases people would rather lie than admit that they have made a mistake or do not know the answer to your question. They will sit there and smile and say “yes, yes, yes” but do nothing. Somehow they believe that this is better. The part I haven’t been able to figure out yet is how to do you know when “yes” means “no” and when it actually means “yes.”

I suppose this is true of many aspects of life. How many excuses have I heard that were really just someone’s ill-conceived attempt at saving face? Too many to count. Why does it seem that we all have trouble admitting that things are not working, or are not what we want to do or be? Because no one like being wrong. Why is failure something we are all so deathly afraid of? See previous answer.  Isn’t it true that we learn from defeat? I certainly have (but I still don’t like being wrong). While this all seems like one really good (or bad?) catch-22, it is the reality of life. We live, we learn, we fail, we try again… and over and over again.

If being abroad has helped me realize anything it is that in the end, it is a combination of both words and actions that make the difference. Talking a good game is not enough, but never talking is also frustrating. I suppose it is that fine line that we all learn to walk as we make our way through this life. Maybe it is once we know what the line looks like that we can actually consider ourselves “adults.” And perhaps, that is why some people never really grow up. We need to be willing to admit to ourselves that both words and actions have repercussions and affect not only ourselves, but also the people around us. We need to live our lives acknowledging that a kind word or a hug can really make a person’s day, just like a empty promise or a shrug can break someone’s heart.