It's graduation week, a seemingly unending series of meetings, ceremonies, and dinners. This year it all seems a little more real because I'm "graduating" too. After four years in Taipei, my time on this island has come to an end.
For some people (like me) there is an inevitability to saying goodbye. I've never been one to stay put, but it doesn't really make saying goodbye any easier. No one likes to feel that life moves on without them, and in reality that is what is goodbye is all about. It's about recognizing that things are about to change and nothing will be as it was. Some friendships will change, other friendships will eventually end, and life keeps plugging along. Your friends will keep going and so will you.
You can learn a lot about people when saying goodbye. Some people stay with you until the very end, while others seem quick to replace you even before you've gone. In some ways I've always known that goodbyes are the final "exam" of a friendship. If you can survive the farewell you have a friend for life, if not then you learn to let go. The problem is recognizing that the people in each category aren't always the people you expected (or wanted) to be there. There will be those you thought were close friends that will be lost to you and those you thought more like acquaintances that will stay with you forever. And it's not until the very end, or at least until the end is in sight, that you start to see which is which. Regardless, it always feels too late.
Of the many goodbyes I've lived through, this has been the longest. I've known since November that I would be leaving, I knew where I was going, and I knew that Taipei would continue to be my home until June. So did all of my friends, which means we've all been in "goodbye mode" for a really long time. The last six months have been difficult and what I've seen and felt in during this time has taught me a lot about myself and the people I chose to surround myself with. Some days I feel like life has already moved on without me and wonder if anyone will even notice that I've gone. Other days, I am reminded of the incredible friendships I have cultivated over the past four years. It hasn't always been smooth and the people I love today are not necessarily the ones that I thought would stick with me, but when has anything really gone according to plan?
So instead, I find myself being very careful about who I spend time with and noticing who wants to spend time with me. There are days when I just want to be done and gone, and others when I love the company I'm keeping. I guess that's why so many people hate saying goodbye. It forces us to acknowledge that things are changing and not always in the way we wanted them to. Goodbyes are a reminder of who we were, who we are, and who we want to be. They fuel us to be better, but also highlight our flaws. I know that goodbye is a part of life and even more so for an expat like myself, but it doesn't mean I like them anymore today than I did when I was a kid. I may know (and accept) that some people, experiences, moments are not meant to last forever, but it doesn't make it any easier to go through.
In the meantime, I will continue to work through my goodbyes. Making sure that the people I love know just how much, and letting go of the people who have let go of me. The next step will have its own adventures (and misadventures), a series of hellos (and goodbyes), and will continue to teach me more about who I am, what I want, and how to get there.
Taiwan, it's been a pleasure. South Africa, here I come.
