The Power of Perspective

What is it about looking back that makes everything seem so obvious? I think back on past experiences, past countries lived in, past friends made and lost and it all seems to fall in line. And yet, I can't see ahead.

Having spent almost three weeks in the US I was reminded of the many great things that country has and the many reasons I don't want to live there right now. I recognize that if I were there I would be surrounded by more people who look like me, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are actually like me. I love the friends I have scattered through out the US, but I also love the friends I have all over the world. Everyone of them has taught me something that, in retrospect, I probably would not have learned on my own. However, I also know that I am not in the same place as many of my friends, and perhaps that is why I choose to keep moving, to keep searching for people who are more like me.

The sad truth is, I don't know if what I'm looking for actually exists. In fact, I'm pretty sure it doesn't. Strangely, I think I've made my peace with that. I recognize that I am living the life I chose to live, and in the end I'm happy with my choice. I realize that there is no pleasing everyone (including myself!) so I'm going to stop trying. That doesn't mean I give up. It simply means that I choose to be more careful and diligent about who and want I expend energy on. I'm not going to worry about impressing or befriending someone who is not interested. I also will stop keeping one-sided friendships.

In spending time with my dearest friends, I was reminded of what real friendship looks like.  It's not about being in touch everyday. It's not about needing to know every single detail that is happening in their lives. It's about being there for each other. It's about sharing the load. It's about laughing together, crying together, and sometimes just sitting there in silence. It's about being willing to put forth the effort when needed and knowing that they are willing to do the same. It's about sacrifice and doing things you don't like because your friend needs you. It's about being a friend.

I am fortunate to have made those types of friends in every place I've lived. They are the ones that I may not talk to everyday. The ones that I may only see every few (or many) years. And still, they are my friends. When we do see each other (in person or via Skype) we don't miss a beat. The friendship is strong enough that the minutia of daily life doesn't impede it from being.

I think I had forgotten that for a little bit. I was so consumed with trying to make friends that I stopped looking at who I was trying to be friends with.

Compartmentalizing

I have never been good at compartmentalizing. The idea that you can simply divide your feelings and emotions into little boxes that you only open when necessary is totally mind boggling to me. I am both in awe and confounded by friends and family members that seem to have this ability. How easy they make it seem, as if they can simply slip in and out of their skin so that no one really knows what is going on underneath.

Sometimes I wish I was more like them. Other times I wish they were more like me.

My life is about all interconnectedness and as a result the many parts of my life seem to bleed through and inevitably affect each other. I wear my heart on my sleeve and can't seem to do anything about it. It makes people uncomfortable, and for that, I'm sorry. It is as if by not being able to split myself and my feelings into portions, I am somehow less than the sum of my parts. I have failed them. It's like they are trying to tell me that life is about order, and my life isn't.  As if some unknown, unwritten part of the "adult handbook" says, 'you must have your sh*t together'. Sadly, I don't.

I like the messiness of life. I embrace the fact that things don't have simple answers and that not everything works out the way you planned. I would go as far as arguing that most things do not go as planned, but that is part of what makes them wonderful. I don't fully understand how or why people chose to ignore certain aspects of their lives, as if pretending that it didn't happen or it isn't there is going to change something.

I am, however, happy with where I am in my life. I may not have mastered the technique of compartmentalizing, but I am ok with that. In fact, I don't want to divide my life. I don't think it would have led me here if I didn't allow every part of me to influence every other part. So I suppose I will continue to live my messy, simple life. I will keep being honest with myself and others, celebrating the idea that everything I am is composed of many parts that all rely and are part of each other.  I hope my friends will learn to accept this about me, and will have to learn to let go of the ones who can't. In the meantime, I will continue to watch the people around me who do divide their lives. I will keep trying to understand how they do it, without ever really wanting to do it myself.