Ghost Baggage

I was talking to a dear friend of mine today about being grateful and fearful when things go our way. He was concerned that he didn't deserve the good fortune that has been a part of his life recently. He seemed worried that somehow he had skipped a beat or a step somewhere along the way, and around the corner someone would jump out and say "Wait! This is not meant to be your life. Please give it back."

As ridiculous as it may sound, I believe that many of us worry when things are going well. We focus on how we may lose the things we love and forget to enjoy the moment. We seem all too willing to ignore the hard path that led us to where we are, and fret about what comes next (as if somehow, what comes next is something we are terribly unprepared for). It is as if we allow the ghosts of moments past (times when things didn't go our way) to cloud our vision. We remember the people who hurt us and have a hard time trusting the people who have never given us a reason not to. We are riddled with the heaviness of our past defeat and become our own worst obstacle.

The danger in all of this is closing ourselves off. We are so focused on not getting hurt or being disappointed that we fail to put ourselves out there. It is somehow easier to be proactive when things are not going your way. You feel like you can do something (anything) to change the predicament of where you are. However we  have somehow convinced ourselves that there is very little we can do to keep things going well once we actually get to where we wanted to be. It is seems as though everyone is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why is that?

Being abroad has taught me a great many things, not least of which is to be strong when the chips are down. As an expat, you tend to feel like things aren't quite right a lot of the time. Most of it has to do with being far from home and the people who matter the most to you, and part of it has to do with learning that people in different countries are, well, different. They think differently, act differently, and behave differently that we expect (or want) them to, and this can lead to a certain amount of frustration.

Being abroad has also taught me that when things do go your way, you have to make the most of them because they may not last. The life of the expat means meeting a lot of people. It also means saying good-bye to a lot of people. Ours is a transient lifestyle. Most expats don't stick around very long, so while making friends can be fairly simple, keeping them is not. We learn to bond over "trivial" matters like "available cereal brands" and relish the opportunity to share our "real" thoughts about where we are. We focus on the things we have in common and use them to create unusually tight bonds. However, we also know that these bonds will easily break. People leave and will make new friends in their next destination, creating new attachments over other matters that you are no longer a part of.

This is ultimately a double-edged sword. We have trouble truly allowing ourselves to open up because of fear that the person will leave, or that you will leave. We remember the many times this has happened before and are bracing ourselves for the inevitable moment when it will happen again. Much like my friend, we seem only to remember the angst and overlook everything we have to gain (and have already gained).

The trick is this: enjoy it while you can. Smile when things are going your well, because yes, the reality of life is that not everyone has it good 100% of the time. That is precisely why we should be grateful when things do turn out and live them to the max. Who knows, that moment might last longer than you think, but that just means you have more opportunities to enjoy it.

A reason to be thankful

This year was yet another year that I did not spend Thanksgiving with family. Not to say that my family is big on Thanksgiving, it is after all, an American holiday and we are not, in fact, American. I did not grow up eating turkey and pie and stuffing and casseroles. I did not spend time cooking with my mom, aunt, grandmother, cousin while my father, uncle, other cousin watched "football." My Thanksgiving traditions started rather "late" (read: college) and most of the time consisted of some makeshift dinner that had something stuffed (one year, we went with tomatoes). It was usually a smaller affair, but did always include pie. For three (or four?) years, it was just my sister and I (and perhaps some other lonely soul) in my apartment in Philadelphia, just being grateful to have a day off in the middle of reading season and getting to spend it with family (even if it wasn't my ENTIRE family).

However, what I like most about Thanksgiving is that we all take a moment or two from our busy lives and think about how lucky we are. Yes, things don't always go as planned, and sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes it's not. Every year has high points and low points and points in between. Nonetheless, Thanksgiving is a chance to give thanks and be grateful for all of the things that have gone our way, (or the things that didn't go our way because they opened a window, door, or opportunity to something unexpected and, perhaps, even better than what could have happened if things had gone our way). Thanksgiving is about recognizing the people who have made a difference in our lives, whether they have supported us along the way, or created an obstacle for us where we learned to be stronger and overcome. It is about remembering all things you love about your life and the moments that are actually worth remembering. It is about focusing on the positives, if only for a day.

So, I say THANK YOU to everyone who is in my life. Because of all of you I am where I am, and I am who I am.

The Christmas Spirit

Can it be? Has Christmas really arrived? Wow. Perhaps I spent too much time in a country with no Christmas, but this year I’m actually really enjoying the fact that Christmas apparently starts in November… even in China (and particularly in Hong Kong). The fake Christmas trees have started to pop-up in malls, the lighted snowmen decorate windows and Christmas music can be heard in every Starbucks along the way.

This is a time for family and friends, and positive thinking. It is, as the song says “the most wonderful time of the year” and yet, to those who live away from family, it can be a difficult time. We are reminded that there are many Christmas traditions we will not be sharing this year. For me, there will be no “novenas” to attend, no “villancicos” to sing with family, and no “amigo secreto” to exchange. It is the time of the year when homesickness becomes a little more acute. The time of the year when you wish you could do a little bit more than just call home. The time of the year when you feel a little further away than you actually are.

Nonetheless, this year I get a special present. My sister is coming to town! While this will be the second year I spend Christmas without my parents, I do get to share this very special time of the year with my favorite person in the world (sorry mom and dad). In case you hadn’t picked up on this already, my sister and I are uncommonly close. In many ways, we had to be. We grew up in an expat family and moved around so many times as children that we learned to lean on each other from a very early age. Today, my sister is still the only person who can tell me I’m being a moron and I will not take it personally (and sometimes, it even works both ways). My sister is my best-friend and perpetual sounding board. She is the smartest person I know (she hates it when I say that) and certainly the person who knows me best. And she arrives in one month!

Christmas in China will certainly be another adventure, but I am so happy that this year I get to spend it with someone who understands what I mean even when I don’t say anything. This year, Christmas will be about family, even if we are so very far away from home. 

Today, China is not my friend

Today is one of those days where everything about living abroad bothers me. I am annoyed at the fact that I can't understand what people say, I can't read the labels on anything, and no one seems to do what I want/need them to. These days happen to expats, and they are difficult to get through. I realize that I am not, in fact, in a country of misfits where no one follows the rules. I am the misfit. I am the one who doesn't belong or understand or see things they way they do, and today that really bothers me.

I want to be in a place where I know what I'm eating. Where I can turn the TV on and watch a show I recognize in a language I speak. Today, I want to go home.

No, nothing terrible has happened. I mean not really. I was sick this weekend, and it reminded me of how isolated I am. I couldn't find "comfort food," I didn't have anyone to call, and I wasn't able to do anything about it. This is the dark side of living abroad. These are the moments when you question why you decided to leave home, to leave your friends and family. These are the moments when you question whether it is/was worth it.

Today is one of those days when I am having a really hard time justifying this to myself. I wonder if I made the right choice. Today I don't like my job. Today I don't like my boss. Today I don't like the kids or their neediness. And yes, I realize that it's not their fault. I acknowledge that being sick for over a week is making me touchy and irritable. I realize that the cultural differences have not gotten bigger or worse, I am just feeling vulnerable. While I know that this moment will pass, and tomorrow is another (and hopefully better) day, today China is not my friend.

Hong Kong is NOT China

I hate to break it to those of you who claim you have been to China but have only ever visited Hong Kong. Hong Kong is in fact, not China. The official term is "one country, two systems" and how different those two systems are.

Let's start with the fact that you have to go through customs and immigration. And your passport gets stamped, multiple times. In fact, Chinese nationals must get a visa to go to Hong Kong. There are departure forms and entry forms and immigration officials who hate their day jobs. Basically all that's missing the airplane and airplane food. But crossing the border, it is made very clear "we are not like the other side" (and this is true of both sides). There is even a duty free shop! You also need to exchange your money. The RMB is not the currency of Hong Kong. No, they use Hong Dollars. This actually benefits those of us who earn our wage in RMB as the RMB is currently stronger than the HK dollar, so everything seems even cheaper.

Once you do cross the border things are a little "wonky." They drive on the wrong side... I mean left side of the road. They stop at stop lights and people actually seem to whisper under their breadth "he/she must be from China" if you cross the road when you are not supposed to. And the best part is many of them whisper this in English! That's right, it seems as though everyone in Hong Kong still speaks English in addition to Cantonese, NOT Mandarin... so there goes my limited vocabulary... they even seem to laugh at me when I say xie xie "thank you" in Mandarin... at least I'm trying! This, of course, means that I am no longer left to wonder what is what when going shopping.

Oh the shopping. Seems to be the number 1, favorite thing people do in Hong Kong. And by people, I mean people who live in China  (like me). Their reason? It's cheaper, and you know what you are getting. They line up to enter stores like Louis Vuitton, Gucci and Prada (not me) and then ride the train back to Lo Hu or Lok Ma Chau (the border crossings with Shenzhen) with bags full of stuff (ok I admit, a little like me). We all seem to get caught up in the idea that our money goes further here! And that they have stores I... we like.

Then of course come the escalators. They are everywhere! And the building all seem to be connected by secret escalators that only the local "Honkies" know about. So if you are a poor lonely tourist (and if you live in China, consider yourself in this category) you can walk twice as long to get the same place, simply because you didn't know about the escalator.

So in the end it is clear to see that Hong Kong is actually it's own lovely little bubble of expats and Chinese pretending to deal with the difficulties of "living in China" when it seems to those of us who actually do live in China, that they have no idea how good they have it. Which is probably why we keep going back...

Night of the Living Dead

This weekend was my first encounter with Halloween in China. I will admit that while I didn't really partake in the Halloween festivities (please read: I did not dress up as a slutty nurse, witch, teacher, high school student, doctor, or anything else that requires cleavage and a short skirt) I did get to see a bit of what goes on.

First, I'd like to clarify that Halloween is clearly an expat activity. It is an excuse for men to dress like women and women to dress up (or rather undress) as what ever they want. People get frisky, drunk and loud. They love having their pictures taken and become best friends with the person next to them who is wearing the same costume (it is perhaps the only time of the year when girls are not mortified to be caught in the same outfit as one, two or three others... and in some cases not even necessarily other women). However, it should also be noted that there are many locals who also partake. I saw lots of witch hats in stores, and zombie make-up on men walking around. All in all, everyone seemed to be making the most of it... then again I was back in Hong Kong.

Chinese Halloween is a bit different. While I was bombarded with emails about one party and another, I didn't really see much going on. No webs, no hats, no wings, no wigs. Of note, there was a mask painting table in the lobby of my office building. No, it was not for children (there are none of those in the building) but for the people who work here. There was some pretty fancy mask painting, I must admit, but I was left wondering, what do they do with these masks? Hang them on their wall? Because clearly they are not going to wear them. It is a question that has remained unanswered.

I also got my own little Halloween surprise. At the end of what was another long night (for those of you who don't know, if I get home by 9pm it's early), one of my students came into the office. Her uniform was covered in orange, but she looked at me eagerly. "Ms. Catalina, I know that you normally celebrate Halloween and we don't do that here, so I made you a pumpkin." And she presents me with this little jack-o-lantern. "It is still fresh, but I wanted you to have it. Here. I even have a candle."

So in the end, while there were not trick-or-treating kids to be seen. No loud busy costume parties to attend. This was one of my better Halloweens. I was reminded why I do what I do, and why I love working with this group of students. Even when they are trying to be adults, you see the child they actually still are and it gives you another reason to smile and get back to work, reading yet another essay.